CONFERENCE CALL FROM HELL!

On Monday June 27, 2005, three weeks before the CPIG (Canadian Pals of Israel Group) trip to Israel, all those who would be on said trip were required to participate in a conference call. I've always hated conference calls, since to me they seem like little more than a passive-aggressive form of non-communication. But what could I do? I wanted to go on the trip, and besides, it would give me a chance to hear Amos' voice some more, and maybe slip in some sideways flirting while I was at it.
By June 27, I had found out who my trip-mates would be. Amos, of course, which pleased me to no end. Michelle Jones, unfortunately, with her That Girl hair and her anchor-woman ways. Also Michelle's boyfriend, a guy named Mike Cabrini, who apparently was a producer on This is Sunday's Really Serious and Important News Show. And then Rob Johnson, columnist for the Red Deer Report. Also Nancy Goldberg, an actual famous Canadian media person who had a regular column in one of the myriad of Vancouver newspapers, and Rick Reichstag, some guy Amos claimed was known in Red Deer conservative circles (are there any other circles in Red Deer?). A fellow named Ted Rayburn -- a producer for some Christian channel out west -- and a fellow named Alec Garrett -- an editor at the National Capital Cheerleader, the newspaper of Ottawa, Canada's national capital -- were rounding out the media part of the trip. The two CPIG representatives on the trip were Saul David and Angela Silverman.
Whatever. I knew none of those people but Amos. I just wanted the conference call over and done with and the trip to begin (and me and Amos to kiss in the moonlight in Jerusalem or by Lake Kinneret or at that spot at Eilat where you can see a bunch of countries...how many? Four? Israel, Jordan, Egypt and Saudi Arabia).
The conference call went like this:
Robotic Operator Voice: Please identify yourself after the tone.
Tone: Here I am making a tone sound.
Me: Jane Avril
Nancy: Nancy Goldberg
Rob: Rob Johnson
Michelle: Michelle Jones (said in a particularly authoritative and cold manner)
Mike: Mike Cabrini
Rick: Rick Reichstag
Ted: Ted Rayburn
Alec: Alec Garrett
Saul: Saul David
Angela: Angela Silverman
Saul: So everyone's here...but Amos.
Angela: He's usually late.
Saul: Yes, he is. Let's just start without him. Do you all have the itineraries we mailed out to you last week?
All of us: Yep/yes/Roger that!/sure/you know it!
Saul: Okay, well, let's just go over them, and then you can ask questions as we go along, or afterwards, and they don't have to pertain to the itiner...
Michelle: I'm working on a special episode of This is Sunday's Really Serious and Important News Show about Israel's disengagement from Gaza. You can ask me about it.
Saul: Good. So, as I was saying, the questions don't have to pertain to the itinerary. They can be general, about the region, about Israel, and remember, there is...
Michelle: Seriously, any of you can ask me about it. Not just Saul.
Saul: Well good. So, as I was saying, there is no such thing as a stupid question. You might think something you're wondering about is common knowledge, but that may not be. For example, Israeli currency. It's the shekel, and...
Michelle: Go ahead. Ask me about it. I don't mind. I'm an important journalist, and a serious thinker. Ask me about...
(BEEP) Amos: Amos Loewenstein. Sorry, I think I'm late.
Saul (breathing huge sigh of relief): Amos, no problem. We're all here. So we're just going to begin going over the itinerary.
Amos: Okay.
Saul: So, day one, we'll land at Ben Gurion Airport, and from there...
Michelle: Why is the airport called "Ben Gurion"?
Saul: Um, well, David Ben Gurion was Israel's first prime minister.
Michelle: Oh.
Saul: And then, we'll go directly to the Maccabiah Games. For those of you who don't know, those are like the Jewish Olympics. Jews from all over the world compete, and there will be a large Canadian team, including our Justice Minister, Irwin Cotler.
Rob: I didn't know Jews did any sports!
Everyone: Laughter.
Amos: Oh Rob Johnson, you're the funniest person who ever lived.
Michelle: You sure are!
Rob: Jackie Mason does a whole routine about how Jews don't do sports.
Everyone: More laughter.
Amos: Rob, I worship the ground you walk on! You are the greatest columnist who ever lived. And the funniest.
Michelle: You sure are.
Saul: Okay, and then on day two, we're going to an animal preserve. I know that may sound boring, but...
Me: No, actually, to me that seems like the most interesting part of the trip.
Saul: Well good.
Rob: I don't want to go there. I heard there are religious sites in that same area. I'd rather go to those.
Saul: Well, I think...
Amos: Rob, don't worry. We'll change the schedule. After all, you're the best person ever and we want you to be happy.
Michelle: We sure do.
My Blood Pressure: I'm at approximately 300 over 235 right now.
Saul: Er, well, okay. We'll figure it out. So, on day three...
Michelle: Can you wear makeup in Israel?
Saul: What?
Michelle: Can you wear makeup in Israel? I heard religious people will stone you to death if you do.
Saul: Um, no.
Michelle: What about short-sleeved shirts? And can I show my hair?
Saul: Both are okay. So, on day four...
Michelle: What about open-toed sandals?
Saul: Fine, they're fine.
Michelle: Also, I'm allergic to peanuts.
Saul: Well, there are foods other than peanuts in Israel.
Michelle: Good.
Saul: Um, yeah. So, on...where was I?
Mike: I'm an important TV producer. I'm not just tagging along on this trip because Michelle is my girlfriend.
Saul: Okey. Good. So, on day seven...
Michelle: Did anyone want to ask about my TV show about the Gaza disengagement?
Rob: You know what Jackie Mason says about Jews...
Amos: Rob, you are the best! I worship at your altar.
Michelle: Me too.
Me: I'm hanging up. I'd say good-bye, but since no one is able to get a word in here but Michelle, Rob and Amos, I won't bother.
Thus went the conference call. Not just a passive-aggressive form of non-communication. But a passive-aggressive waste of time. I could read the itinerary myself. I could look up the answers to any questions I had. I could do so without putting up with Amos fawning all over Rob (what was up with that? That was a side of Amos I didn't cotton to), or without Michelle and her personality combo of egomania and witlessness. And what was that about her boyfriend? Her boyfriend was coming along...OH MY GOD. I had, at that moment, a horrible thought. What if Amos were planning to bring his girlfriend -- his pushy, commitment-rushing, Red Deer-nik girlfriend -- along with him on this trip?
That would be more than I could bear.